NATURAL CHILD, PARENT, ADULT, UNNATURAL CHILD

So, let’s begin with your Natural Child, the part of you that is free and happy---that runs and jumps in the sunshine, feels the cool grass between your toes, and knows that a butterfly is beautiful.

Try this.  Take a walk with friends or alone and see and hear and smell and touch everything as if you were two years old.  Now, this is going to be quite a trick, because there are three other parts of yourself that are likely to get in the way.  The first part is your Adult, your reasonable, logical, computer brain, filled with an enormous amount of information about the world, knowledge that stops you from seeing the world.  For instance when your Adult looks at a tree, it sees an object that it classifies “tree“.  The “tree” has a trunk, branches, leaves, and gets its energy from the sun through a process called photosynthesis. Your Adult really doesn’t see the tree---it only glances quickly, classifies the object as a tree and pays no further attention to it.  It is now only a symbol.  Our schools and much of our culture reward that type of “experiencing”, and you become a proficient symbol pusher who hasn’t felt the bark of a real tree in years.  Your Adult will want good reasons why you should spend time and energy walking down the street acting like a two-year old.

There is another part of you, your Parent,  that is also likely to give you plenty of trouble.  Your Parent is the authoritarian, know-it-all who doesn’t much like it when you don’t measure up, and taking a dawdling walk in the sunshine when there’s work to be done means you are not measuring up.  You should be finishing that report, cleaning your bedroom, reading a good book, instead of walking down a stupid street doing nothing.  What good is that going to do anybody?  And, just as was true of your Adult, your Parent also makes it difficult to see, hear, smell and touch on your walk, because you will only experience those aspects of what is out there that your Parent is judging and evaluating.  That grass needs to be cut!  That sidewalk is filthy!  She shouldn’t be wearing those colors!  Why are you wasting your time going on a silly walk.

To help get past your Parent and adult, tell them that a book you are reading told you to---and the book is written by a PhD psychologist who knows what he’s talking about.

Then there’s the third part that can give you plenty of trouble on your walk, your Unnatural Child.  This is the part of you that was shaped and scrambled when you were a little tyke playing in your sandbox.  Natural children can be easily pushed out of shape, by over-controlling parents.  Then they usually either become frightened and beaten down, or rebellious.  It never occurs to your beaten down Unnatural Child that puddles are for jumping into, that strange doors are to open, weird clothes are for trying on, and frogs are to sleep with. Your rebellious Unnatural Child does them all. So, your beaten down Unnatural Child will be too scared to go for that walk, and your rebellious Unnatural Child will tell me to go peddle my crazy ideas somewhere else.

HAPPY AND FREE

So, there may be a lot in the way of your Natural Child going out on that walk.  Find out!  Put down the book, walk out the door, and go for that walk, smelling, hearing, touching, seeing, with the nose, ears, fingers and eyes of a 2-year old.  Keep enough of your Adult around so you don’t get run over or mugged.  Your Adult isn’t all bad.  And then come back and write down what happened.

WHAT I FOUND

“It took some time to get rid of my Adult and my Parent, especially when others were watching.  And some watched very suspiciously.  But once it happened, that ordinary street quickly took on an aura of magic and interest. Everything seemed a little sharper, a little brighter.  Each house was a world, full of mystery and fascination.  The people inside seemed very big.  It was not unlike walking past storybooks come to life, each with special colors and intricate plots.

I was captured for quite a while by the sight and sound of tree tops, rustling in a gentle wind, with the sky and the clouds in the background.  Looking up, I started spinning around. I’m not sure how to describe what I felt, but it was unusual, and I can picture it vividly now, some time later.

I also got lost watching bugs circle above a street light. They left tiny fiery arcs behind them, not unlike the trails of sparklers.  After a while, it seemed like it was a whole universe in motion above me.”

A SECOND CHANCE

If you decided to skip that experience because it was just too silly or you did it and your Adult, Parent and Unnatural Child stopped your Natural Child from coming out, you’ve got a problem. If you don’t watch out you are in danger of becoming another one of those  bored, mixed-up people who lead shallow lives filled with forced gaiety and enthusiasm---who become scared and lonely when the lights go out.  Your Natural Child isn’t dead though, just smothered.  With some honest effort on your part it can still come out and play.  Give it a second chance.

Close the book!

Get out the door!

Play!

WHAT I FOUND

“And then…a little beetle strolled my way, and we had a lovely conversation.

‘Where’s your mommy?’

‘At  home.’

‘Is she a bug?’

‘No, she’s my mommy.’

‘My mommy takes me swimming.’

‘What’s that?’

‘At the beach, you silly bug. But not in the wintertime.’

Sadly, our civilization doesn’t go much for Natural Children in the bodies of adults (or even in the bodies of children, for that matter).  It doesn’t go much for folks jumping up and down in excitement, or laughing or singing or whistling down the street.  In fact when you come right down to it, our modern American Culture is a serious stick in the mud for your Natural Child.

However, you wouldn’t last long if you just had your Natural Child.  Your Adult, Parent, and Unnatural Child are just as important and necessary.  Your Adult lets you think and reason about the past, present and future, so that you don’t have to learn the hard way all the time.  It also gives you a huge mass of information that’s essential for your survival.  Your Parent gives you the skills to raise your own children, and provides you with a set of standards and values that adds guidance, richness and meaning to your life.  Your Unnatural Child allows you to behave automatically in most situations.  If you really want to, you could stop and think about what’s the right and proper thing to do, but you wouldn’t have time and energy to do much else.  The ways to behave that you parents taught you get you through most situations very well.

When your four ego states are reasonably balanced they work well together and you have a pretty good life.  If one gets too big and heavy, it’s not so good.  Someone with a mostly blown Adult and Natural Child, and a strong Parent might become a good drill sergeant or president of the local Save-the-World-from-Whatever-League, but wouldn’t be much fun.  A person with a very strong Adult but weak Natural Child might be a very meticulous public accountant or professor of statistics but be rather dull.  The best public accountants and mathematicians have very healthy Natural Children, which makes them creative and alive.  If you’re mostly Unnatural Child, you’re a poor little scared thing with no self-confidence, or a rebellious brat who’s out to get his.

MY FRIENDS SAID

If you are in a group doing this book, ask the other members what percentage of the time you spend in each of the ego states (Adult, Parent, Natural Child,  Unnatural Child).  If you aren’t in a group, maybe you can find friends who would like to do this chapter with you.  Or just explain the 4 ego states and ask where you spend your time.  Everybody has all the states, just differences in how strong each is. 

WHAT I FOUND

“Close friend said I was Parent….uggh.  Second opinion…..Parent.  Double ugggh.”

MY EGO STATES

Another way to learn about your Adult, Parent, and two Children is to keep a log for a week.  Every hour or so mark down what ego state(s) you are in, and what is going on when you shifted from one state to another.  A lot of work, but a big payoff.  You might learn, for instance, that you shift into your Unnatural Child when you walk into your supervisor’s office, and then shift into your Natural Child with a touch of Parent when you walk out and spend some time with her secretary.  Or you might learn that you erupt into Natural Child every time you climb into your 375 turboprop fire jet and swing onto the Pasadena Freeway.  You may find that some people poison you, that is, they kill your Natural Child by their mere presence.  Or, you may find you do the same to others.

The quality and lasting power of human relationships are largely determined by their particular mix of ego states.  Parent-Child and Adult-Adult are common combinations in marriages.  A Parent-Child is very workable, and stable, especially when the couple can exchange roles as needed.  The Adult-Adult combination is probably the most stable, but it isn’t much fun.  Imagine how other combination of ego states might turn out. Like two Parents (lots of fights? Each trying to control the other)….or a Adult and Natural Child (don‘t understand each other very well and lots of frustration)….or a Natural Child and an Unnatural Child(continual conflict).  Ok. Keep a log for about a week, and learn.

WHAT I FOUND

”They were right, Parent!  And I found rebellious child with a pretty good adult. “

EXPLORE, EXPERIMENT, EXAGGERATE

So, maybe you come across like a drill sergeant and you thought you were a poor little waif. So, what do you do? Sulk! There are a few more productive things you can do.  Pick the ego state that you used the least during the week, and during this coming week deliberately use that ego state more whenever possible---and, when doing so isn‘t going to get you into any big trouble.  It’s great to expand the range, limits and flexibility of what sort of person you can be. That way you can choose with awareness.

WHAT I FOUND

“Natural child was the least used.  Tried hard during the week.  Very hard.  Keep slipping into Parent.  Can’t stop myself.  Well, maybe don’t want to.  I like being Parent?  Triple UUUGH.”

TWO CHAIRS

Here is another way to learn about your ego states.  Pick the state you are in the most and the one you are in the least and have a dialogue between them (read ahead to the chapter on Fritz Perls and his Two Chair technique to find out how to do it).  After they have gotten better acquainted with one another, do the same with other combinations.

WHAT I FOUND

“I scared.  Safe being Parent.  Scared of people watching, judging me.  Ahh.  A poor, little unnatural child underneath the Parent?  Have to look into that.”

WHERE MY TWO CHILDREN, ADULT AND PARENT COME FROM

You’ve probably learned by now why some people bother you.  For instance they come on heavy Parent and hook your rebellious Unnatural Child.  Or, the reason why you can’t stand Uncle Ned is that he hooks your heavy Parent with his stupid Natural Child antics.  Or you find that the reason why you and your wife aren’t getting along is because you’ve been coming on Parent to her Unnatural Child.  Too long for her, and she isn’t going to take it anymore.  Unless she can go back to the way she was, she may soon go find someone that will let her be Adult.  You’ll have to find another Child for your Parent to take care of.

If you are a teenager reading this book, you’ll understand your parents a lot better if you realize that they have their Natural and Unnatural Children just like you, as well as their Parent and Adult.  They have been heavy Parent with you for a long time, because they had to be as you were growing up.  And they are probably still working on crap from their own childhood, so give them a little slack.  You might try hooking their Natural Child every once in a while to get to know them better.  As time goes by, if you have a reasonably healthy relationship with your parents, there will be a gradual transition from Parent-Child to Adult-Adult.  What you learn in this chapter should help make the change go as smoothly as possible.  The transition is hard for many parents because they are used to being parent and have to learn how to let you become an adult.  Try to hook their Natural Child and Adult and stay out of your Unnatural Child, the part that rebels or withdraws, as much as you can.

You now know your Adult, Parent and two Children pretty well. Just for fun look back over your life and figure out where they came from.  Maybe you made them up all by yourself, but that is not likely.

WHAT I FOUND

“That was easy. I take after my mother.  And I guess I played sad little waif with her, and rebellious brat sometimes until I left home and then became Parent, judging others like my mother judged me.”

GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

We play a lot of games with people, as a way to control how close we are to them, and as a way to keep one-up and avoid being one-down---and sometimes just for fun.  Which games you play pretty much depends upon whether you favor being Adult, Parent, or one of the Children. “Games” as used by Erick Berne is a series of maneuvers with someone with a catch and payoff at the end---a gotcha moment.

One of the greatest games of all time is NIGYYSOB---Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch.  I well remember an afternoon a long time ago when my favorite Uncle had a nice game of NIGGYSOB with me.  We were sitting on a park bench in San Francisco and he asked me what the rotors in a jet engine did.  I was a young, self-absorbed, would-be brilliant student at the University of California across the Bay, and not knowing a thing about jet engines didn’t stop me from explaining in some detail what the rotors of a jet engine did.  After my marvelous dissertation, he looked at me without a change of expression, and mentioned that he had just been looking at a model of a jet engine in one of the local airline offices and---well, the rotors in the model didn’t seem to do the things I said.  He didn’t crack a smile but I knew I’d been had.

My Uncle was a kindly man, and he wasn’t really out to get me, so he was playing a soft game of NIGGYYSOB.  The game can seriously hurt someone when played hard.  It can tear down someone’s self-confidence and seriously harm the relationship.

Like many males and females, I’ve known a few men and women who like to play RAPO.  They push their sex, and then when you bite, they become self-righteous and indignant and accuse you of being a sick, dirty minded bastard/bitch.  And, they have a marvelous, hurt, long-suffering expression on their face as they put it to you, “I thought you were different“.

No one gets badly hurt in a soft game of RAPO, but I nearly got caught in a hard game at a dude ranch in Colorado.  At a dance one of the girls shocked me by acting sexier than any girl before or since.  First I was confused, then excited, and we agreed to meet after the dance in the horse barn.  A horse barn!  Romantic, eh?  Lucky for me one of my friends calmed me down and explained that she was married, had an extraordinarily jealous husband, he was big and mean, and that if he caught me in the horse barn with his wife, he would make horse manure out of me.  She knew all that, had done it before, and thoroughly enjoyed showing her power and proving what stupid chumps men are.

Then there is SCHLEMIEL.  You keep irritating somebody in petty ways until they blow their cool and get mad at you.  You grovel with apologizes.  The payoff for you is to be forgiven and also to make them feel guilty for getting angry at you.  The game is played from an Unnatural Child, and to be successful you have to hook the heavy Parent of the person you’re playing with.

You probably have some friends who ask you for advice and then start a game of YES, BUT.  At each suggestion you give, your friend patiently explains why that just can’t possibly work.  The payoff for your friend comes when you give up, and he can say “See, I knew you couldn’t help me”.  You feel inadequate and your failure furthers his agenda, that no one can help him, poor little kid.  The game is usually played from your friend’s Unnatural Child and your Parent or Adult.

If you want to avoid responsibility for yourself try IF IT ONLY WEREN’T FOR YOU.  You would so like to do that, but your friend, or mother, or past husband, or whoever, is stopping you.  You get a free MAD stamp (we’ll talk about stamp collecting soon), and you have a very good excuse for not doing something you didn’t want to do anyway.

Another way to avoid responsibility is PEG LEG.  Here you blame whatever is handy for not being able to do something.  Like, you’d really like to do it except you had a wicked schizophrenic mother, or an alcoholic great-uncle, or acne as a teenager.  Or you can’t do it because of your age, lack of education, blood sugar level, warts, etc, etc.  IF IT ONLY WEREN’T FOR YOU and PEG LEG are usually played by Unnatural Children

You probably noticed that it takes two to play.  Unless the other person is at least semi-cooperative the game can’t be played.  If you try to play IF IT ONLY WEREN’T FOR YOU with your husband and he refuses to move from Adult to Parent, you can’t play.  Of course if he doesn’t play that game, you wouldn’t have married him in the first place.  People marry and make friends with people who fit into their favorite games, just as they marry people who complement their favorite ego states, such as Parent-Child and Adult-Adult. Marriages and friendships often breakup when one person in the pair or group shifts ego states and stops playing the expected games.

Many young children and adolescents learn early how to play games with their parents, and parents are usually very cooperative, like in making the game of UPROAR a success.  The game usually begins with everyone trying to act as if they were in their Adult---Daddy carefully explaining to his daughter why she can’t have birth-control pills---she calmly and rationally explaining to him the obvious reasons why she has to have them.  Then with amazing speed, father changes into red-faced, pompous Big Daddy, and his daughter becomes loud-mouth, Little Brat.  When the emotions are at their peak, one or the other stomps off to their bedroom or den.  The payoff for the parent is a feeling of self-righteousness because he is obviously right and his daughter is a brat.  The payoff for the girl is the power to change her father into a bloated beast.  And a further payoff may come down the line, when she can play IF IT ONLY WEREN’T FOR YOU, when the drop of urine turns the little paper strip the wrong color.  And maybe NIGGYYSOB as well.  Another important payoff for both of them is that UPROAR provides a substitute and barrier for closeness.

For real fun though, try LET’S YOU AND HIM FIGHT.  Let’s say the teenage daughter decides to get daddy after he stomps out of the room.  A very good way is to come to mama. Emphasize how daddy shouted at her, how mean he is, how she loves little babies so much and certainly isn’t contemplating having an affair with anyone, but there are so many mean, forceful men around who don’t respect a poor girl.  She thinks it would be best to be on the safe side and be on the pill.  If mama is a little too sophisticated for that line, her daughter might try hitting her with the direct approach---she is already having an affair.  That hits mama right in the breastbone, as intended.  Either daughter gets her pills or mama will be sorry.

If the daughter is really smart, she’ll also try to hook mama’s rebellious Unnatural Child, so that they can both rant and rave about daddy.  And she’ll hook her mother’s nutrient Parent as well---the part that will protect her daughter from the calamities of life, no matter what.  The game plan is to get mommy riled up, and then push her into the room with already riled-up daddy.  That should do it.  Daughter can watch with a gentle smile on her face as they go at it.  A perfectly executed, LETS YOU AND HIM FIGHT.

If the parents get upset enough with their daughter and their deteriorating marriage, they can go see a psychologist, and maybe try a few games with her.  If she knows what she’s doing, she knows that the main game during the first session will be COURTROOM.  The father, mother and daughter will be presenting their case to this wise woman, so that she can tell them who is right and who is wrong, and what to do.  In the process of presenting their cases, they usually go through a few other games like IF IT ONLY WASN’T FOR HIM,  PEGLEG and LET’S YOU AND HER FIGHT. If the wife is lucky during the opening arguments, she may even trap her husband into losing a quick game of NIGYYSOB.  Poppa will go into UPROAR, say a few nasty things, and stomp out the door.  Mama can then have the warm satisfaction of looking across at the psychologist, “See? What can I do?”  A bad psychologist will agree.  A good one will realize that this is a heavy game playing family, and will be plotting her strategy for shortening the next courtroom recess.

WHAT GAMES DO YOU PLAY AND WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?

WHAT I FOUND

“Mother!  Mother! Mother!  Why am I ignoring my father?  He wasn’t around---very Adult.  They played all kinds of games.  Hard to sort out.  Even harder for me to figure out the games I play. Ok. I don‘t want to sort them out.  You said I could skip exercises I don‘t wanna do it.  I‘m skipping and what are you going to do about it?”

THE JOYS OF STAMP COLLECTING

In the old days of long ago grocery stores gave out stamps for the purchases you made which you then put into a stamp book.  When your book was full you cashed it in for prizes.  In Berne you get stamps when you don’t express an emotional reaction that you feel is justified.  Instead you suppress the feeling and add it to one of your stamp books, an ANGER book (red stamps), JEALOUSY book (green stamps), book of DEPRESSION (black stamps), and book of SELF-RIGHEOUS INDIGNATION (white stamps).  One of the reasons some people don’t grow up is because if they did, they’d have to burn their stamp collection, and they have worked too long and too hard for that.  So they continue to collect their stamps and cash them in every once in a while for things they want.  If they want a guilt-free MAD, they cash in a few red stamps, or maybe save up a whole book and punch somebody out, or save up 25 books for a free homicide.

Do you have any stamp books lying around?

MY STAMP COLLECTION

WHAT I FOUND

“Nope!”

MYTHS AND FAIRY TALES

Our society provides many ready-made, narrative guidelines for the general shape your life will take.  Berne defined life narratives as: “an ongoing program, developed in early childhood, under parental influence, which directs the individual’s behavior in the most important aspects of his life.”

The dominant life narrative for women, for instance, since the time we lived in caves has been: Reach puberty; Get married; Have children; Feed children; Feed husband; Die. Only in the last 40 or so years have women been given real alternative narratives, although only grudgingly.  Now women can put off marriage without being so quickly called an “old maid”, and can more easily have a career and babies with or without a husband.  Part of the old narrative still has power though, such as men not being all that keen marrying a woman who is smarter and makes more money.

Many of the narratives are found in the myths and fairy tales of your childhood.  For instance, there are quite a few Cinderellas and Snow Whites around, and a few frog princes as well. Perhaps you know a Cinderella. That is, before the fairy godmother and the handsome prince arrive.  Her favorite game when young is POOR LITTLE ME, but this turns into harder games when she gets older, such as IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU I’D BE A PRINCESS.  The dominant ego state is Child, and she spends her time waiting for something magical to happen that will make her life beautiful and exciting.  As the years go by, however, and the fairy godmother and the prince don’t show up, she begins to cash in her stamps, mostly reds and whites, and often changes from a quiet martyr to an obnoxious old biddy.  It’s obvious she’s been cheated, and somebody’s going to pay.

Men have their negative myths as well.  You are going to be the ugly frog that is never kissed. You are afraid to climb the bean stock because you are pretty sure that giant is going to eat you for lunch.  You spend your life searching for the foot that fits the glass slipper.

If you are lucky or smart, you have chosen or found positive narratives to govern your life, even if your parents started you off with negative ones.  The prince does come, or you find you don’t really need him.  You successfully climb the bean stock and the giant isn’t nearly as big as you were told, and you have a nice, cold beer together.  You wake yourself up from the depression your parents fostered, jump off that hard, cold slab in the middle of the Darkwood, and create an alive, creative life.

WHAT MYTHS AND FAIRY TALES ARE INFLUENCING YOUR LIFE?

WHAT I FOUND

“I got the poison apple, and I’m on the cold slab.  I take after my father more than I thought.  I have to go back to the beginning and try the natural child exercise again.  I missed the opportunity.  Going to try again.  What do I have to lose?  Parent says, I’ll be embarrassed, and it won’t work.  Interesting battle coming up.  Wonder who will win?”

AND, AT THE END OF THE DAY

Berne is fun and imaginative.  And it’s often useful to think of yourself as two kinds of Children, a Parent, and an Adult.  Freud had much the same divisions, the Child being the Id, the Super-ego the Parent and the Ego the Adult.  Also, you’ll now be much more sensitive to games people may be playing with you, and the ones you may be playing with them.  The idea that people hoard stamp books of suppressed emotions is also useful in understanding yourself and others.  And of course it’s not too hard to imagine the narratives that may be influencing the direction of your life, such as those captured by myths and fairy tales.  All good.  All useful.  Integrate the knowledge about yourself you get from Berne.  But, after you have gained what you can, don’t take the way he divides you up all that seriously.  You are far more than his world imagines and much better integrated and whole then his world suggests.

“See! I told you so. But did you listen? Do you ever listen?”

 “SHUT UP MOM! I love you, but enough. Need to find out who I am.  And going to start with my Natural Child.  Peace Mom. Peace Dad.